Ten irritating things people just don’t stop saying

Probably the most annoying are the stupid questions people keep asking.

  1. They call you in the middle of the night and then ask “Did I disturb you?” For heaven’s sake man, even if I was not sleeping, you should be very sure that whatever I was doing, a call at that hour is disturbing.
  2. You enter your house or office all drenched and they inquire “Is it raining?” What else did you think, Einstein? That I took a shower in my car?
  3. Sitting in a restaurant, they would conveniently point to a dish on the menu and ask the waiter “Is this good?” What response do they expect from an employee of the same restaurant? He won’t say “No sir! That’s awful, the cook spits in it” even if that were the truth.
  4. A friend of theirs is sobbing in a corner, and they would ask “Is something wrong?” I wonder if they ever hear a reply like “No no! I am just doing tear Yoga as part of my Kung Fu training.”
  5. And their favourite seems to be the question they keep asking every kid they meet. “Mama acchhi hain ya Baba?” Give the kid a break man, I know there are too many dysfunctional families around but you don’t have to mess up the kid’s mind just because you don’t have anything more sensible to ask.

And then there are the completely unnecessary statements of the obvious.

  1. “Ohh! It’s ten p.m.” Yes sir I am not blind and I can tell the time from a clock.
  2. “It is so hot today.” Hmm! Really? I wouldn’t know, since I live in an air-conditioned hole in the ground.
  3. Light aa gayee” or even more irritating “Light chalee gayee!” I have not come from the Stone Age, I know what it means when the room suddenly goes dark or is lit up.

And Finally the totally illogical ways to start a sentence that are too common to tolerate now.

  1. “I don’t think I should say this…” Then don’t say it na! Why can’t you trust your own thinking?
  2. “Promise me you won’t mind” Now how can I make such a promise without knowing what you have to say. You could be about to say something indecent about my mother for all I know. Do you really think I decide to mind or not mind something before hearing it?

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Ten kinds of people you see at a typical wedding

1. The chronically starved individuals whose sole aim is to eat as much as they possibly can without any care for decency, manners or their own digestive systems. These people’s time at the wedding is divided into the waiting-for-the-meal and eating-like-animals phases.

2. The incurable tharkis who are just there to check out the girls and try their luck.

3. The girls who are just there waiting to be noticed by the incurable tharkis.

4. The older people who want one more moment in the beautiful sunshine of importance.

5. The kids who could not care less if it were a funeral instead of a wedding and who spend their whole time running around aimlessly and continuously.

6. The baradari who are there primarily in the hope that something would go drastically wrong and they would have a ball telling the story to everyone who didn’t attend. If nothing goes drastically wrong, they do not lose heart and make up some story worth being told.

7. The women who don’t give half as much importance to the occasion as they do to their ambition of looking better than every other woman, including the bride.

8. The mothers who come with only one thing on their minds, a bride for their eligible sons.

9. Those who did not want to come but were forced to by the fact that the parents of the groom / bride attended the wedding of their son / daughter.

10. The poor creatures who don’t even know who is getting married, and had to come just because there was no one else to take their grandpa or chacha or mama to the wedding.

Ten books I still cant believe made money

  1. 100 Movies You Must Watch Before You Die: I mean what kind of people would want to make watching movies recommended by a bunch of people they don’t even know their priority if they were going to die. One look at the title should have made this book a flop.
  2. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Doesn’t anybody understand that there are millions of completely ineffective people who have the same habits but do not get a mention in this book because they are…..well, ineffective.
  3. Nineteen Eighty Four: Haven’t people noticed that 1984 has come and gone and nothing like what the book says happened in it?
  4. Who Moved My Cheese? Duh! I still can’t believe it’s considered a book.
  5. Lord of the Rings: It is too long for children and too childish for adults. Who the hell read it?
  6. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: It’s a book about philosophy and motorcycles and the philosophy of motorcycles and a motorcycle’s philosophy and something that ends up behind as confusing as philosophy for a motorcycle.
  7. Songs of Blood and Sword: I would not have been surprised if this book had at least forty to fifty colored photographs of the author, but without that, it’s unreadable. I am sure most of the guys bought it just to impress Fatima.
  8. The Twilight Series: Story of a human falling for a vampire, and a werewolf falling for that human. Give me break! And this book has the audacity to not be a children’s book.
  9. In The Line of Fire: Story of a man who used the armed forces under his command to topple a democratic government and considers falling off a tree a near-death experience. Maybe so many people bought it just to prove to themselves that it actually exists.
  10. Kama Sutra: Just kidding! I know why it made so much money.

 

Ten advantages of Loadshedding

1. You cannot watch News channels and get a chance to realize that there are people living in the same house as you and things actually happen in their lives too.

2. You find out that you have friends outside facebook and events do happen that are not posted as status updates.

3. You can THINK!

4. You realize what a long time one hour is!

5. You get a feel of how hot it is!

6. You get that rare feeling of pure and genuine happiness when the light returns.

7. Your children step out of the house.

8. There is silence.

9. People in the UPS and Generator business make lots of money (though people who buy them lose out on all the other advantages).

10. Maybe, just maybe, some electricity is saved.

Ten sentences that you will never see on Facebook

  1. ABC and millions of other people have started using THEIR BRAINS
  2. Rulers and people are now friends.
  3. XYZ likes her husband and 14 other men.
  4. XYZ hates his wife and 14 other men.
  5. Some application is requesting that you don’t let it access your private information because it is dangerous and idiotic.
  6. List of people you might know but not give a shit about.
  7. Status: What important or meaningful thing that makes some sense is on your mind?
  8. Meera likes (and understands) Nietzsche and 10 other philosophers.
  9. Someone you have never heard of has commented on a photo of a stranger that one of your friends was tagged in and you had absolutely nothing better to do than comment on it earlier.
  10. Satan is now friends with the President and 500 other politicians.

 

Ten Things you will never hear on news channels

1. The head of our Channel has just admitted that he is an Indian Agent.

2. Nothing much happened today.

3. The Prime Minister has just said that the government is unstable and might fall any day.

4. The government has just announced that they have fucked up…….again.

5. A suicide stabber killed himself with a knife in a busy market in Peshawar today.

6. Leader of the opposition has clarified that principles have nothing to do with politics and such filthy concepts must not be mentioned in his presence.

7. Chairman PCB has finally said something that makes sense.

8. Police have actually caught a terrorist today……I swear!

9. And we must remind you that this news was broken first by our rival news channel.

10. A commission has given its clear findings in a week and government is already doing something about them.

Ten Things God should have told men and women

WOMEN

1. You can find the keys in your bag by looking inside it instead of fumbling for them.

2. The people in movies are just acting, they are not actually dying of cancer.

3. Men are not magicians, they cannot tell what you want unless you tell them.

4. It is not normal to remember every other woman’s dress in great detail.’

5. There is a rear view mirror and two side mirrors in a car and they are not for decoration.

6. A mess has to be created before you can clean it up. Be thankful to those who help satisfy your desire to clean up.

7. Secrets, by definition, should not be told to anyone, regardless of whether the fact that they are secrets is communicated too.

8. Your children are not the prettiest in the world, its just your motherly illusion.

9. Men who don’t lie are stupid and those who lie and get caught by you are pitiable.

10. Males of every species are more attractive. Look at lions, peacocks……and men.

MEN

1. You are not God!

2. A lie does not become the truth no matter how many times you repeat it.

3. Having the remote in your hand does not mean that you should change channels continuously.

4. Having an organ in your pants does not mean that you should use it for a brain.

5. If stuff was supposed to be on the floor, closets would not have been invented.

6. It looks stupid when you go crazy if some team from the other end of the world wins a match. Nobody from that team even knows you.

7. Ladies’ Tennis is not all about legs, there is also a racket and a ball.

8. When you think you are using a woman, it is actually the other way around.

9. It is okay to make a fool of yourself when trying to impress a woman but always have the guts to admit that you are the one who is being made a fool and mostly you still fail to impress her.

10. Your mother is not the only smartest woman in the world, its just your sonly illusion.