Ten not so famous last words

1. What’s the worst that could happen?

2. Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it is edible.

3. Look Ma! No hands.

4. Doc! Are you sure this procedure is safe?

5. Hurray! We killed all the bastards!

6. Honey! Guess what speed we’re going at.

7. Yes, yes! Harder, harder!

8. Is that your husband?

9. It takes guts to do this, Losers!

10. Son! Watch…….and Learn!

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Ten stupid questions people ask

Probably the most annoying are the stupid questions people keep asking.

1. They call you in the middle of the night and then ask “Did I disturb you?” For heaven’s sake man, even if I was not sleeping, you should be very sure that whatever I was doing, a call at that hour is disturbing.

2. You enter your house or office all drenched and they inquire “Is it raining?” What else did you think, Einstein? That I took a shower in my car?

3. Sitting in a restaurant, they would conveniently point to a dish on the menu and ask the waiter “Is this good?” What response do they expect from an employee of the same restaurant? He won’t say “No sir! That’s awful, the cook spits in it” even if that were the truth.

4. A friend of theirs is sobbing in a corner, and they would ask “Is something wrong?” I wonder if they ever hear a reply like “No no! I am just doing tear Yoga as part of my Kung Fu training.”

5. And their favourite seems to be the question they keep asking every kid they meet. “Mama acchhi hain ya Baba?” Give the kid a break man, I know there are too many dysfunctional families around but you don’t have to mess up the kid’s mind just because you don’t have anything more sensible to ask.

And then there are the completely unnecessary statements of the obvious.

6. “Ohh! It’s ten p.m.” Yes sir I am not blind and I can tell the time from a clock.

7. “It is so hot today.” Hmm! Really? I wouldn’t know, since I live in an air-conditioned hole in the ground.

8. “Light aa gayee” or even more irritating “Light chalee gayee!” I have not come from the Stone Age, I know what it means when the room suddenly goes dark or is lit up.

And Finally the totally illogical ways to start a sentence that are too common to tolerate now.

9. “I don’t think I should say this…” Then don’t say it na! Why can’t you trust your own thinking?

10. “Promise me you won’t mind” Now how can I make such a promise without knowing what you have to say. You could be about to say something indecent about my mother for all I know. Do you really think I decide to mind or not mind something before hearing it?

Ten conspiracies

People have always been fond of a little conspiracy and a little imagination and it is amazing to see the kind of things they come up with. I am sure you have all heard stuff like

1. The US government planned and executed the 9/11 attacks itself.

2. No person called Osama Bin Laden ever existed.

3. Asif Ali Zardari had Benazir Bhutto killed.

4. The world is going to end very soon.

5. Aliens from other planets have visited the Earth many times.

6. It is possible to turn lead into gold.

7. The CIA has future world maps in which Pakistan does not exist.

8. Dengue is the result of chemical warfare by the Jews and America.

9. Suicide bombers will be welcomed by numerous Hurs in paradise and all those who condemn them will rot in hell.

10. All elections in Pakistan and maybe the world are rigged by intelligence agencies.

I laugh like crazy when I think about the things people come up with, and I am scared shitless whenever I realize that I have absolutely no evidence to prove that any of these theories is not actually true. Huh?

Ten reflections-on Iqbal day

At a time when

1. The world is afraid to come to Pakistan, invest any amount of money or even play a game of cricket here

2. The lives and property of every citizen of Pakistan is under constant threat

3. Pakistan is 145th in the world in the Human Development Index

4. Pakistan is universally known as one of the most corrupt countries in the world

5. Pakistan has the 38th lowest per capita income and our performance on all other indicators is also dismal

6. The heads of Pakistan’s most powerful institutions are at loggerheads trying to decide who is stronger

7. Our leaders, having failed to address these problems, take pride in managing to get a huge crowd sing the national anthem and form the national flag to create records

8. Most Pakistanis cannot expect to get any sort of education or reasonable health facilities

9. Mafias control our south, militias control our north, and tyrants control our center

10. Girls and women in Pakistan are being killed by jirgas and religious fanatics

At this great time, let’s all take a day off and sleep, relax, chill. But for one moment somewhere, just one moment, think if there is some little thing we owe Iqbal?

Suggestion for ten additional holidays

We are a nation that is overly fond of holidays. Here are some suggestions to add a few more:

1. 18th June – Dependence Day – In memory of the first drone attack on Pakistani soil in 2004.

2. 16th May – Doctrine of Necessity Day – In memory of that landmark judgment in 1955 that legalized anything as long as it was backed by the soundest of rationales, i.e. military force.

3. 7th October – Army Day – In memory of that fateful first declaration of Martial Law in Pakistan by Sikandar Mirza, who interestingly, was not an army General himself.

4. 9th September – 10 Percent Day – To celebrate the beginning of the Presidency of our beloved leader.

5. 4th April – Democracy Day – To remember the hanging, in 1979, of the leader who according to his supporters is still alive and will suddenly start coming out of every house. Har ghar se niklay ga.

6. 17th September – Bhai Day – It’s the birthday of Altaf Bhai, is any further argument required?

7. 4th July – Defence Day – No its not just US independence, it is also the special day on which, in 1999, Mian Nawaz Sharif said sorry and agreed to withdraw troops from Kargil in order to defend his dignity and that of the nation.

8. 17th March – Sports Day – To ensure we do not forget how, in 2007, the Pakistan team miserably crashed out of the World Cup after just two matches, and lost the life of their coach and some pride.

9. 16th December – ½ Pakistan Day – Since we lost half of our country on this day in 1971.

10. 21st November – Science Day – This was the day in 1996 when Pakistan’s only Nobel laureate breathed his last in Oxford 22 years after leaving Pakistan after being declared a non-Muslim.

I don’t mind the fact that we have forgotten all that the ideology of Pakistan or Jinnah or Iqbal stood for. But I strongly suggest we start celebrating these days so that we don’t forget all this. If we cannot take pride and learn from our brilliant history, maybe we would be able to learn from our shameful history.

10 THINGS I DON’T GIVE A —- ABOUT

1. Whether Dr. Arsalan Iftikhar’s case is actually a conspiracy or not. What I am concerned about though is the terrible state of lower judiciary and the increasing involvement of the higher courts in political matters.

2. Whether Raymond Davis was a spy or just a lowly employee or part of a Grand design. What I am concerned about though is the number of unnecessary deaths on the roads and what the government plans to do about them.

3. Whether Osama Bin Laden was here with the connivance of our agencies or whether he was actually killed or whether he even actually existed. What I am concerned about though is the complete lawlessness prevalent in the country and what plans do we have to improve the situation.

4. Whether the Prime Minister writes the effing letter or not. What I am concerned about though is what our rulers plan to do to make sure that further conflicts between the executive and the judiciary are avoided.

5. Whether Veena Malik is an enemy or just plain stupid or actually justified. What I am concerned about though is what values govern the actions of our media personnel and how we plan to keep things from getting out of hand in this area.

6. Which Indian film flops or which Bollywood actor is going out with whom. What I am concerned about though is where our own industry is headed and what we plan to do to make sure that we produce some quality cinema.

7. What monstrosities the previous government committed. What I am interested in though are clear facts and figures of how this government’s performance compares with the previous one and their strategies regarding the country’s future.

8. Whether PPP or PML(N) is better. What I am concerned about though is if they actually intend to put national interest above personal gain ever in the future.

9. How many people attended any PTI rally. What I am interested in though is the exact clear cut strategy of Khan through which he will attempt to rid us of all evils.

10. Whatever the media is making so much fuss about. I am concerned with things they never seriously discuss.

Ten things you can learn from reading trucks

Forget all the Management Gurus, the Self-Help books, the motivational lectures….the fact is that if one is not serious, even divine revelation is useless, and where someone really wants to learn the most important lessons in life, they are more accessible than you imagine. Here are some pearls of wisdom you can get from the statements on backs of trucks. All you have to do is read beyond the apparent clichéd lines, keep your minds open and realize that they actually are all the lessons you ever required.

  1. The key to success is hard work, there are no short cuts. Any time spent in wondering how someone else got success is wasted which should have been spent working hard for your own aims. In other words, Mehnat Kar Hasad Na Kar.
  2. You will always face obstacles in your path. Remember that you have only two sensible choices, either you can rise above the challenges and overcome them or you can simply tolerate them and move on with your life. In other words, Pass kar Ya Bardasht Kar.
  3. Every individual has his or her own path in life. Don’t compare yourselves with others too much, make your own destiny, and let others get what their fate holds for them. In other words, Naseeb Apna Apna.. or Naseeb Paraghley Paraghley.
  4. Interact with as many people as you want but always remember to treat them well. Make friends with a smile, not enemies with arrogance. In other words, .magar pyar se.
  5. You will have to cross many competitors in the race of life. Always have confidence in your abilities and compete with them on a level playing field. Warn them before you try to get ahead, never sneak up and catch them unaware. In other words, Haaran de kar pass karein.
  6. Keep a positive attitude and concentrate on your own goals. If you spend your time plotting the downfall of others instead, you are bound to end up in disgrace. In other words, Jalney waley ka mun kala.
  7. Always wish others well. Harm to others will never benefit you. In other words, Khair naal Aa, Khair naal ja.
  8. Always think through any decision you make. Never act in a hurry and without thinking. In other words, Ik Wari Fair Soch Lai.
  9. However, do not spend too much time in unnecessary thinking, do not fear or worry too much about results. Such an attitude might reduce your chances of success. In other words, Sochi paya te banda gaya.
  10. Always remember that people who seem to be having a better time than you might not necessarily be better than you. In other words, Aqal na hovay te maujan ee maujan.