ALIENS (5TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! We got your message and we want to stress again that we are in absolutely no danger of being noticed here. As we reported earlier, these humans have very limited visions and cannot see than three dimensions. Still, seeing your anxiety we have decided to elaborate a little further on the complete lack of imagination of this species. They do have a concept of life beyond their planet but we do not see any real chance of these people ever figuring out the whole thing. Not only do they suffer from a severe lack of imagination but what is really funny is that they believe the exact opposite and a large number of humans actually take pride in their imagination. It is hilarious!

To explain what we mean, here’s a little analysis of these people’s concept of life beyond Earth.

  1. They have a single name for any life form that might exist outside their planet. They call all of them collectively as “Aliens”.
  2. They only look for signs of such life on other planets. Their limited minds appear to be incapable of entertaining the possibility of life existing in stars or space.
  3. Their reach is limited to planets closest to Earth and for all the rest of the universe, they only rely on conjectures.
  4. Their search for aliens is limited to three-dimensional living beings, and they do not seem to believe that life other than the one they have might also exist.
  5. They are naïve enough to believe that any planet that does not have oxygen or water (two things that they themselves cannot survive without) would not have life either.
  6. Their concept of aliens is also too limited otherwise. They picture them as beings that look mostly like themselves, with eyes and arms and legs. The peak of their imagination ends at changing the color of aliens to green or increasing or decreasing the number of eyes etc. They also tend to picture aliens as much uglier beings than themselves.

We hope you are relaxed now. We feel that humans either suffer from innocence bordering on stupidity or arrogance bordering on stupidity. We are not sure yet if they are innocent or arrogant but we are pretty certain that they are stupid. Till next report.

 

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COMMUNICATION (4TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! We mentioned in our first report the human beings’ serious shortcoming regarding the limitations of their senses. We would again like to stress that these pitiable creatures are confined to a three-dimensional world and even within those few dimensions they cannot see, hear or otherwise sense anything beyond a certain specific limit. Their plight is made worse by the fact that they seem to have no realization of how limited they are and we are yet to see any serious effort or even willingness by them to expand their knowledge and perception into the domain of other dimensions.

 In fact, we feel a little silly saying the above, since humans are actually much stupider than the above lines would have you believe. The cute people here are unimaginably obsessed by the three dimensions that they can perceive but not in any intelligent or constructive fashion. Their basic limitation, that is the fact that they can be at only one place at one time and have to cover long distances within their dimension to get from one place to the other appears to have made them crazy. Seriously Khhhtghhh, you cannot imagine how much fuss they make out of it. They are obsessed with creating devices that could take them from here to there faster. To the extent that they are even mad about machines that just take their image or even their voice across as quickly as possible. They have things called planes, trains, telephones, televisions, satellites and what not which are all just a means of travelling quickly and most of their world seems to revolve around these. They are overjoyed by creating something that helps them or their voice or picture move quickly (and they get unbelievably excited at creating something that moves both their picture and their voice).

Now Khhhtghhh, we know how compassionate you are and we can feel you getting ready to spring in the defense of these beings. But before you think of any such thing, let us elaborate that we are yet to see any productive use to which any of these primitive inventions have been put. People are always rushing even when they are aboard their automobiles and trying to get somewhere in hurry but we don’t see them involved in any profitable activity when they get there. Telephones and other devices of voice transfer are used mostly for chit-chat or other activities that mostly involve making money or exploiting other members of their race. The internet is being used mainly for social networking (without any apparent benefit) and watching porn (we’ll tell you later what porn is, and we bet you will laugh your Hoghhhhhtkkks off).

In short, these guys suck big time. In fact, we are seriously thinking that our people should attack this planet and take over, but before we give that any further thought and suggest it to you, we need to ensure that such an exercise would be of any use to us at all.

 

FOOD (3RD REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! You might think that we have developed some sort of bias against these humans, but believe us, that is not so. These creatures just seem to be too silly for our taste. Either that or they are too smart….. smart to a degree that we cannot even fathom. Here’s what we have learnt since our last report (and since it is extremely confusing, we have tried to divide it into points so that it may be easier for you to understand).

  1. Humans need to eat plants and animals in order to survive (everything they eat, they call food). And there are plenty of animals and plants on Earth, though the poor creatures can eat only a handful of the species, the rest are either poisonous for them or just impossible for them to consume.
  2. Humans grow such plants and animals in specific areas called farms.
  3. Now, the interesting thing is that not all humans grow or hunt this food. There are a few specific groups of individuals scattered all over the planet that seem to have been assigned this job. These people (called farmers) produce food for all the rest of the humans.
  4. Funnily, though one would assume that all these other humans who do not need to produce food but get it ready to eat from others, would have all the time in the world to relax and enjoy, still seem to be busy all the time. They are running around here and there with no time to spare and filling up papers with writing and doing who knows what. In fact, interestingly, the farmers who are taking care of the survival of the whole race have more free time than all the others.
  5. However, there are some people who seem to be benefitting immensely from this arrangement. Though few in number, these people do not do anything. They don’t grow food, they don’t run around and they don’t fill up papers. They just live idly, not doing anything and still get the food from others for free. What is hilarious is that people who do not grow food themselves give away that food to these idle good-for-nothing ones with a lot of pride (they call it charity or something) as if it were theirs. And they actually feel that by giving free food and thus encouraging the inaction of these parasites, they are doing something good.
  6. Now, you would assume that these farmers would be worshipped for what they do for the others, right? Wrong. They live in the worst of conditions and appear to be one of the poorest people. Now, how does this race manage to have these farmers keep feeding the whole planet while living in a state much worse than those they are feeding is still a mystery to us.

We haven’t spent much time here Khhhtghhh but as yet, we have gained nothing but more and more confusion. Humans, the best creation…… I mean really?

 

SOCIAL CONFORMITY (2ND REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

 Dear Khhhtghhh! We’ve been here a while now and we still don’t see much chance of learning anything from these creatures. We strongly feel that the rumor about these humans being God’s best creation might have been some other life-form’s idea of a joke. However, we also think that we are not in a position to pass a final judgment yet since these creatures are not that easy to understand. They confuse us, and they seem to be even more confused themselves.

 It is hard to explain how totally ridiculously unsure they are. They seem to be extremely conscious of the fact that none of them strays too much from the norm and at the same time they appear so keen to be different from each other. We saw some of them who were unlike the others and all they could do was complain about that fact. Some cannot see, others cannot walk and so on and all of such humans were constantly whining about how terrible they felt since they were not the same as everyone else. But at the same time, those members of the race who are as average as one could possibly get keep wishing to be different. Even at such a basic level, these people do not seem to know what they want. We really doubt if, with such a confused idea of things, they could ever achieve anything of note, or anything that could justify the claim of them being the best of all creations.

 And yes! The funniest thing about this whole matter is the amount of importance they give to all this uncertainty. They actually spend a lot time, money and energy and mostly go against their own desires only to make sure that they do not become too different and are not noticed or criticized by other humans. Also, though it sounds impossible, they spend tons of money and time trying to look, sound and be different. We are at a loss of words to explain fully what we are seeing. But we are determined to find out more. Till next report.

 

KHHHTGHHH

Khhhtghhh is a guy living on a distant planet. The beings on that planet (which I am not naming since the information is strictly confidential and any public disclosure of the name might cause something that neither I nor anyone else on Earth is capable of understanding) had heard a lot about humans. They had been led to believe that humans were a wonderful creation, the best performance by God yet and naturally, this information led to a lot of curiosity among the inhabitants of the planet that I cannot name due to reasons quoted above.

So, Khhhtghhh thought up a plan, which basically comprised of sending a few of the inhabitants of the planet that I cannot name to Earth so that they could come back with vital data about humans, data that could help Khhhtghhh and others improve themselves and try to match the supremacy of the so-called human race. The only problem with the plan was that since Khhhgthhh or anyone else on the planet was totally unaware of these humans, they did not know how they would react to the presence of this group and whether there was any threat to the group’s lives from the humans.

After a lot of deliberation it was decided by Khhhtghhh that the only way to find the answer to all this was to send the group anyway. If they died, so be it. The first duty assigned to the group was to report on the reaction of the humans. One day after landing on Earth, the group sent this simple report (how I know of this report is even more confidential)

“Dear Khhhtghhh! Your fears are baseless. The humans are not equipped to see beyond three-dimensional objects, nor can they hear or feel beyond a certain limit, so we are completely safe. As far as our mission is concerned, we don’t expect a lot of success since these beings not only have limited senses, they are also arrogant enough to ignore a number of things that they can actually see. We do not see much chance of learning anything here.

P.S. We must thank the creator of this story here for showing a little imagination and naming you Khhhtghhh. Usual alien names are so clichéd. At least he realized that if there was life on another planet, it is highly improbable that they would have names that involve the same syllables or alphabets as humans. Till next report.”