I got a weird feeling when I heard that Shuntoo was ill. When I reached the hospital, this is what I found written on the sheet. The words within brackets are my own.
Dear Friend, Relative, Colleague or Whoever you are
If you have not come to visit me and have been handed this sheet by mistake, please return it and go ahead with your own business. (Not falling in this category, I read on).
If you have come to ask me what happened, I came down with a serious stomach virus, the result of something I ate from a roadside stall. I kept vomiting and shitting for three days after which I was brought to this hospital suffering from severe dehydration.
If you are interested in my present condition and my future, I feel much better now and the doctors say I will be discharged in the next couple of days.
If you intend to give me some crappy advice, I already know that roadside stalls are a risk and I am not interested in any frigging medicine or desi totka or a better doctor or hospital or Hakim that you know.
If you have come to cheer me up, you can do that best by returning. I am in a pretty cheerful mood and seeing you will probably ruin it.
If you have brought fruit or flowers or something of the sort take it back and give it to someone who gives a shit. Or leave it at the reception and I will make sure it gets to such a person.
If you have just come to fulfill your obligation as a good human being, relax. Your greatness has been noted and will be duly forgotten and ignored as most such actions are.
If you have come for any other purpose, please note that I don’t care and will highly appreciate if you leave me alone.
And finally, if you have some extremely urgent business (which I seriously doubt) you can call me on my cell. In case you don’t have my number, it shows that you are not very close to me and hence should mind your own frigging business. And please remember, if you call me and your business does not turn out to be extremely urgent, I might lose my temper and will not be responsible for the consequences.