what if nobody knew, nobody cared

What if nobody knew? What if nobody cared?

These are two questions I often ask myself. When I think I have achieved something great…..and when I feel I have messed up. And these questions liberate me.

Ronaldo scores a hat trick. What if nobody knew? What if nobody cared? Would it still matter?

A grown man wets his pants. What if nobody knew? What if nobody cared? Would it still matter? Maybe a little bit (maybe more than Ronaldo’s hat trick) but would it really?

Looking from another perspective, maybe there are some things that would still matter. I gained some teeniest bit of knowledge about myself and the universe I am a part of. What if nobody knew? What if nobody cared? Would it still matter? I think it would.

So, before feeling too great or too small, it would be a nice idea to ask yourself these questions. Maybe it will help you concentrate on things that matter. Maybe it will liberate you.

How to drive

1. Never wear a seatbelt, it wastes time and makes you look silly. And if you have one of those models that keeps beeping if you don’t wear the belt, then insert the belt into the buckle from behind the seat, so that it, in no way, interferes with the freedom of your body to move (or go flying out of the windshield).

2. Never look on either side before getting on a highway. It is the duty of all the other drivers to avoid hitting you; after all, they aren’t blind, are they?

3. Do not stop on a red light unless there’s a traffic warden in sight. Traffic lights are for idiots who cannot decide for themselves when to stop and when to go.

4. When the light turns green, start honking immediately. Don’t even give the driver in front of you enough time to get his car into gear. In fact better start honking your horn when the light is yellow, it saves time.

5. If caught by a traffic warden, never admit that you broke the law. Insult him and try to show him how important a person you are. If that doesn’t work, try begging him, pleading for mercy. Whatever you do, never admit your mistake, pride and respect come and go, don’t worry about them too much.

6. Whenever in a traffic jam, put your car wherever you see enough space for it to fit. Do not think about the future too much, just keeping poking the car in, make new lanes and let the other drivers solve their problems. You just try to get yourself out and home as quickly as possible. Forget speed limits or the safety of everyone else and as soon as you get the chance go as fast as possible.

7. Always throw all kinds of junk right in the middle of the road. Your car is your home, you must keep it clean, let those sweepers take care of the road, what else are they paid for?

8. Always get a DVD player installed in your car and make sure that you have some steamy mujras on, all the time. It is so boring to keep looking at the road while driving, you deserve entertainment.

9. Whenever possible, while watching the mujras, use one hand to keep your phone to your ear and the other to hold your cigarette. As for the steering wheel, you can control it with a part of your hand, even one finger.

10. Try not to use the indicator too much, but if you want to use it, make sure that you keep it on even when you have no intention of turning anywhere, or better yet, indicate that you want to turn left but turn right instead. After all, you have some privacy, why should every Tom, Dick and Harry on the road know what your plans are!

How to drive

1. Never wear a seatbelt, it wastes time and makes you look silly. And if you have one of those models that keeps beeping if you don’t wear the belt, then insert the belt into the buckle from behind the seat, so that it, in no way, interferes with the freedom of your body to move (or go flying out of the windshield).
2. Never look on either side before getting on a highway. It is the duty of all the other drivers to avoid hitting you; after all, they aren’t blind, are they?
3. Do not stop on a red light unless there’s a traffic warden in sight. Traffic lights are for idiots who cannot decide for themselves when to stop and when to go.
4. When the light turns green, start honking immediately. Don’t even give the driver in front of you enough time to get his car into gear. In fact better start honking your horn when the light is yellow, it saves time.
5. If caught by a traffic warden, never admit that you broke the law. Insult him and try to show him how important a person you are. If that doesn’t work, try begging him, pleading for mercy. Whatever you do, never admit your mistake, pride and respect come and go, don’t worry about them too much.
6. Whenever in a traffic jam, put your car wherever you see enough space for it to fit. Do not think about the future too much, just keeping poking the car in, make new lanes and let the other drivers solve their problems. You just try to get yourself out and home as quickly as possible. Forget speed limits or the safety of everyone else and as soon as you get the chance go as fast as possible.
7. Always throw all kinds of junk right in the middle of the road. Your car is your home, you must keep it clean, let those sweepers take care of the road, what else are they paid for?
8. Always get a DVD player installed in your car and make sure that you have some steamy mujras on, all the time. It is so boring to keep looking at the road while driving, you deserve entertainment.
9. Whenever possible, while watching the mujras, use one hand to keep your phone to your ear and the other to hold your cigarette. As for the steering wheel, you can control it with a part of your hand, even one finger.
10. Try not to use the indicator too much, but if you want to use it, make sure that you keep it on even when you have no intention of turning anywhere, or better yet, indicate that you want to turn left but turn right instead. After all, you have some privacy, why should every Tom, Dick and Harry on the road know what your plans are!

Charter for the nation

Don’t you wish that our nation, our society had some principles, some rules, which everyone followed and obeyed? I do. And how much better we would be if we followed the same rules with unity and clarity! Unfortunately, we are far from that aim. For starters, let’s imagine if we were actually following some rules already, what if all we do was actually in obedience to a charter agreed upon by all members of this society. The charter might look something like this.

1. The society shall have certain rules and values which shall be mostly unwritten and would keep on changing very very gradually as generations passed.

2. The society shall defend these values with their life and not give any importance to whether they make any sense whatsoever or not. However, laws and rules that do make sense and are aimed at our best interests shall be disregarded and broken without a thought, e.g., traffic lights.

3. The society shall severely reprimand anyone who tries to put some sense into it and shall try its best to ensure that such thinking members are not a common occurrence.

4. The society shall ensure continuous production of progressively stupider individuals and any member who is not mediocre shall be isolated and ridiculed.

5. Any extraordinary act or person shall be considered a threat to the happiness and security of the society and shall be suppressed with all the society’s might.

6. The society shall make some arrangements for teaching its children the basic values which would ensure that they survive without being ridiculed. However, any ingenuity or free thinking shall be discouraged, especially if it targets the core useless values.

7. The society shall take appropriate steps to ensure that no group of people living within the society is ever completely satisfied.

8. The society shall have segments of haves and have-nots and any progression from a lower to a higher segment shall totally depend on the level to which a person can sink morally.

9. Any member of another society shall be treated with respect, in fact any such person shall perpetually be considered better than the members of this society and anything he says or does shall have precedence over the views, opinions and actions of desi people.

10. The government shall be considered Mai Baap of the people whose petty, selfish interests it serves and shall be criticized and abused by all others.

Sentences you will never see on Facebook

1. ABC and millions of other people have started using THEIR BRAINS

2. Rulers and people are now friends.

3. Mrs. XYZ likes her husband and 14 other men.

4. Mr. XYZ hates his wife and 14 other men.

5. Some application is requesting that you don’t let it access your private information because it is dangerous and idiotic.

6. List of people you might know but not give a shit about.

7. Status: What important or meaningful thing that makes some sense is on your mind?

8. Meera likes (and understands) Nietzsche and 10 other philosophers.

9. Someone you have never heard of has commented on a photo of a stranger that one of your friends was tagged in and you had absolutely nothing better to do than comment on it earlier.

10. Satan is now friends with the President and 500 other politicians.

People you should never watch a movie with

1. Someone who has watched the movie before and is a compulsive spoiler who keeps telling you what’s going to happen next.

2. Someone who has watched the movie before and is not a compulsive spoiler but keeps saying, “watch what happens next” or “look, look this is a good one” as if you were looking somewhere else.

3. Someone who does not like watching movies or likes it only so he could criticize everything in them as if he was Oliver Stone’s lost twin.

4. Someone who is not good at listening or does not understand the language well and keeps asking you “What! What did he just say?”

5. Someone who is too proud of being good at listening or knowing the language and keeps telling you what he just said.

6. Someone who eats during the movie and makes such loud crunching sounds that no one knows what he just said.

7. Someone who is continuously reminded of similar events in his own life by different scenes of the movie and wants to share his great experience with everyone.

8. Someone who wanted to watch another movie and keeps telling you how that would have been better.

9. Someone who is too dumb to understand the jokes or twists in the script and makes you feel silly when you are laughing or being surprised.

10. Someone who is having too much fun watching the movie and not only disturbs you but makes you pity him for having such a sad life.

Where are the people who want to be something? Where are those who want to constantly improve? All I see around me are people who are desperately trying to justify whatever they are or whatever they are not. People who have achieved something keep saying things that have only one aim: to show that there success was not a fluke, that they actually deserved it. Of course there are also those that go to even greater lengths trying to show that it was actually a fluke, this type seems apologetic for being successful or rich. And this habit of theirs convinces more people of the opposite of what they are trying to prove.

On the other hand, those who have not been able to do much or be much in the world keep insisting directly or indirectly that it is not their fault. They spend their time either trying to show that they were victims of bad luck or some conspiracy or trying to establish that the ones who did succeed are nothing more than flukes.

Where are the people who want to keep trying, keep improving and not give a shit about whether their success or failure is justified? Where are those who live rather than spend all their life proving that they deserve to live and forgetting to live in the process?