How to drive

1. Never wear a seatbelt, it wastes time and makes you look silly. And if you have one of those models that keeps beeping if you don’t wear the belt, then insert the belt into the buckle from behind the seat, so that it, in no way, interferes with the freedom of your body to move (or go flying out of the windshield).

2. Never look on either side before getting on a highway. It is the duty of all the other drivers to avoid hitting you; after all, they aren’t blind, are they?

3. Do not stop on a red light unless there’s a traffic warden in sight. Traffic lights are for idiots who cannot decide for themselves when to stop and when to go.

4. When the light turns green, start honking immediately. Don’t even give the driver in front of you enough time to get his car into gear. In fact better start honking your horn when the light is yellow, it saves time.

5. If caught by a traffic warden, never admit that you broke the law. Insult him and try to show him how important a person you are. If that doesn’t work, try begging him, pleading for mercy. Whatever you do, never admit your mistake, pride and respect come and go, don’t worry about them too much.

6. Whenever in a traffic jam, put your car wherever you see enough space for it to fit. Do not think about the future too much, just keeping poking the car in, make new lanes and let the other drivers solve their problems. You just try to get yourself out and home as quickly as possible. Forget speed limits or the safety of everyone else and as soon as you get the chance go as fast as possible.

7. Always throw all kinds of junk right in the middle of the road. Your car is your home, you must keep it clean, let those sweepers take care of the road, what else are they paid for?

8. Always get a DVD player installed in your car and make sure that you have some steamy mujras on, all the time. It is so boring to keep looking at the road while driving, you deserve entertainment.

9. Whenever possible, while watching the mujras, use one hand to keep your phone to your ear and the other to hold your cigarette. As for the steering wheel, you can control it with a part of your hand, even one finger.

10. Try not to use the indicator too much, but if you want to use it, make sure that you keep it on even when you have no intention of turning anywhere, or better yet, indicate that you want to turn left but turn right instead. After all, you have some privacy, why should every Tom, Dick and Harry on the road know what your plans are!

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