I sometimes feel that he has this funny tendency of taking things too seriously. At other times, though I think he has a serious problem, he finds everything funny;

Is he the only one in this population of around seven billion who wants to be unique in a manner that he wants to be just like everyone else…..only better. Is he the only one who wants to be different and wants everyone else to be different just like him?

Does he really think that thought is useless? Does he imagine that we live in a world where imagination has no place? He gave a long speech the other day on the complete futility of words. He convinced the audience that no one can be convinced. The audience was so thrilled when he proved that any sort of appreciation is generally counter-productive, that they applauded for a full minute.

I think they all believed him when he said that belief is a mirage. They loved his idea that philosophy and ideas are the domain of the impractical and should be ignored. In the end, he was hailed as a hero and they promised to follow him to the ends of the earth because they trusted him. They were in awe of this man, who was so different from all the others; who hated being a leader and said that awe was the hobby of weak minds.

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APNAY LIYE, QAUM KE LIYE!

1. Save Gas. Bathe in cold water, eat raw food and stop using CNG-fuelled vehicles.

2. Save Electricity. Sleep as soon as it gets dark and enjoy sweat in the summers. These things have been proven to be healthy.

3. Save Electricity. Stop watching TV as it only causes headaches and gives bad news. This habit would also save them from watching stupid ads such as the one asking them to save gas.

4. Save Petrol. Walk.

5. Save Food. Fast everyday. This would not only reduce their weights but also improve their aakhirah. To avoid Israaf, they should also keep sehr and iftar limited to a date or two.

6. Save Railways. Stop moving from one city to the other. After all, all cities are in equally bad shape now, so what’s the point?

7. Save Paper and Ink. Do not bother with elections. Just ask the whole lot to toss and decide who gets the joyride next time. And of course, we could also flip for how many waves of the Tsunami get into the Parliament.

8. Save Water. Stop washing clothes and other stuff. What’s the occasion? Why so much pretense?

9. Save Intellect. Continue to avoid thinking. We have survived this long without it, so why bother now?

Stupid Questions

Probably the most annoying are the stupid questions people keep asking.

1. They call you in the middle of the night and then ask “Did I disturb you?” For heaven’s sake man, even if I was not sleeping, you should be very sure that whatever I was doing, a call at that hour is disturbing.

2. You enter your house or office all drenched and they inquire “Is it raining?” What else did you think, Einstein? That I took a shower in my car?

3. Sitting in a restaurant, they would conveniently point to a dish on the menu and ask the waiter “Is this good?” What response do they expect from an employee of the same restaurant? He won’t say “No sir! That’s awful, the cook spits in it” even if that were the truth.

4. A friend of theirs is sobbing in a corner, and they would ask “Is something wrong?” I wonder if they ever hear a reply like “No no! I am just doing tear Yoga as part of my Kung Fu training.”

5. And their favourite seems to be the question they keep asking every kid they meet. “Mama acchhi hain ya Baba?” Give the kid a break man, I know there are too many dysfunctional families around but you don’t have to mess up the kid’s mind just because you don’t have anything more sensible to ask.

And then there are the completely unnecessary statements of the obvious.

6. “Ohh! It’s ten p.m.” Yes sir I am not blind and I can tell the time from a clock.

7. “It is so hot today.” Hmm! Really? I wouldn’t know, since I live in an air-conditioned hole in the ground.

8. “Light aa gayee” or even more irritating “Light chalee gayee!” I have not come from the Stone Age, I know what it means when the room suddenly goes dark or is lit up.

And Finally the totally illogical ways to start a sentence that are too common to tolerate now.

9. “I don’t think I should say this…” Then don’t say it na! Why can’t you trust your own thinking?

10. “Promise me you won’t mind” Now how can I make such a promise without knowing what you have to say. You could be about to say something indecent about my mother for all I know. Do you really think I decide to mind or not mind something before hearing it?