Shuntoo on Facebook

“You aren’t very active on facebook?” I asked Shuntoo just to make conversation. I had been busy scanning my facebook page for a good half hour while he sat smoking and thinking about heaven knows what. And I was a little concerned that I was being a terrible host.

“Yes I know.” He replied.

“Why?”

“I don’t need a reason not to be active on facebook.”

“But…….”

“Okay, let’s just say that I, unlike you guys, do not have a reason to be active on the bloody thing.”

“Meaning?” I just never learn.

“Meaning? Well, Bachhay! Meaning that I do not have self-esteem issues and I do not enjoy a false sense of social acceptance if I get a lot a ‘likes’ on my statuses, pictures or comments.”

“But surely, you don’t mean that……”

“Meaning that I do not fulfill my needs of love and belonging from the number of pictures or posts that I am tagged in.” The son of a bitch continued ignoring me. “Meaning that I do not want to see how happy and smoochie couples are in the illusion of their relationship that they have created on this site.

“But…..” I regretted asking him the question.

“Meaning that I am not a big fan of viewing others’ profiles to see what is going on in their lives, especially when those profiles don’t actually give that information anyway but are instead filled with either an exaggeration of how good a time they are having in an effort to make others envious or an exaggeration of how miserable their lives are in an effort to get sympathies.”

“Now……. you are the most negative-minded person I ever met, Shuntoo. There are benefits of facebook.”

“Hey hey, bachhay” he said in that typical, annoyingly patronizing tone. “You don’t have to justify yourself. I have nothing against you having fun on facebook. Of course you have some issues that need solutions from social networking sites. And obviously you are not put off by all the hearts and muuaaahs and awwwws and fake concerns etc. You also might have a thing for all the fake quotes and sayings of prophets that end up impressing people despite being misquoted.” And he laughed.

“You are right! I do not need to justify myself to you.”

“Like.” He said with the most irritating of smiles.

“What do you mean like, you bastard.”

“Unlike.” He said and started laughing again.

“Shuntoo, you are the limit.”

“Share.” I just gave up after that.

Advertisements

Shuntoo the son of a bitch

Shuntoo might be the most selfish, rude, obnoxious and unreasonable son of a bitch you’ll ever set your eyes on, but you’ve got to hand him one thing. He is an honest son of a bitch. He does not lie. Once I asked him about this, because a person who does not lie is a miracle of Nature and I was always confused why he felt this silly urge to always tell the truth. Imagine, he doesn’t even lie about his whereabouts on the telephone and never asks anyone to tell a visitor that he is not home.

His reply was again a lesson in truthfulness. “Its simple man,” he said, “the trick is not to give a shit about other people. If they can’t handle the truth, it’s their problem. If I have a visitor I don’t want to meet, I simply tell him that I am home, but I am in no mood to watch his frigging face or listen to his absurd crap. If he has an issue with it, so be it. I won’t worry myself over how a sissy would react to my honest opinion.”

I was, naturally, amazed. “That’s too much even for you, Shuntoo,” I said. “How can you be so rude? How can you hurt someone’s feelings like that?”

“Feelings schmeelings,” he explained. “The law gives me the freedom to choose the shit I want to listen to and the bullshit I want to see. There is no legislation that forces one to entertain any moron that comes knocking at his door. And doesn’t the religion also say that knock on a door thrice and if there’s no answer, just go back? Now, doesn’t that, by implication, allow you to refuse to see someone if you don’t feel like it? Of course, in this age of doorbells, you can’t simply not answer. So I tell them frankly. When the law and the religion are fine with something, I don’t fret about that moron’s personal views. I have enough on my mind as it is.”

Then he smiled and left, but not before elaborating his reasons for leaving, “I am not leaving because I have to be somewhere or I’m not feeling well or any of that pansy logic. I just don’t want to sit with you anymore and at this moment, I have had so much of you that I feel anything would be better. So bye friend. See you later.”

I wonder.

Shuntoo: Sane Conversation II

As the doorbell rang I looked at Shuntoo and I am sure he recognized the plea in my eyes. He greeted my friend with a smile and a nod, which for Shuntoo is the equivalent of a passionate hug, and seemed to listen pretty attentively to our conversation…….the bastard that he is. I was happy that he was acting normally for once…….the idiot that I am.

About fifteen minutes after her arrival, our conversation had drifted, as usual, to the deteriorating standards of humanity and how it was becoming increasingly difficult for a person of substance to survive in this world. She was explaining how she had had to face disappointment after disappointment and how everyone she had ever met or worked or had a relationship with had ended up hurting her. Suddenly Shuntoo looked up from his phone which he had been playing with and spoke, directly addressing my friend

“I always say that you may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” I was a little surprised to see him entering a conversation without being forced to. Maybe he liked this girl. I was even more surprised because I had known Shuntoo for many years and I was sure he did not ‘always say’ any such thing. Could it be possible that he was trying to impress her?

“Hmmm!” she responded. “Maybe that has been your experience but I personally feel that you are just trying to hide behind such thoughts in an effort to forget or justify the pain of a kick in the teeth. Although what you just said may sound wise, I think it’s are far from the truth.

“Really? So you are kinda saying what Walt Disney said.” As she looked on in anticipation, Shuntoo took a moment as if trying to remember what Disney had said and then continued. “He said we must stop trying to hide behind comforting words and thoughts. We have to start facing the truth, no matter how ugly it may seem. Only then can we begin to live and enjoy life.”

“Exactly!” She said with a smile. “Disney wasn’t the greatest in his field for nothing. True wisdom only comes from experience.” Strangely Shuntoo was smiling too broadly now as she continued. “I agree 100% with Disney, exactly my thoughts.”

And now Shuntoo started laughing out loud and I knew something was wrong. My friend looked puzzled, she kept glancing towards me, then at Shuntoo and back at me again as Shuntoo kept laughing for a full thirty seconds.

Eventually I had to step in. “What’s so funny?”

Wiping tears from his eyes, Shuntoo looked at her “Nothing. It’s just that” he said, trying hard to control his laughter, “what I said before about the kick in the teeth was a quote by Walt Disney I just read on my phone. And the one about facing the truth and all, was something I just made up.” And he started laughing again.

I was too pissed off to even speak. Shuntoo got up, put his phone in his pocket, placed the coffee mug on the table and as he went out the door, shot a knowing look at me and said “Sane conversation, my ass! Thanks for the coffee.”

And I wondered.

Shuntoo: Sane Conversation

I have never been able to clearly understand Shuntoo or my feelings towards him. I am not even sure if I hate him from the core of my heart or idealize him for having such unusual qualities or both. But one thing that I have never approved of is his complete indifference to other people. He rarely recognizes their existence, never talks to them unless forced to and acts in the most arrogant and conceited of manners. So, when he came unexpectedly yesterday, I was a little pissed off as I was expecting a dear friend and I did not want Shuntoo to be there to ruin the evening. Not having the courage to ask him to get out in a purely Shuntoo-ish straightforward fashion, I decided to try and convince him to act normally for a change.

“I am expecting a dear old friend in a short while.” I began as Shuntoo sat looking as disinterested as always.

“Are you listening?” I asked. He simply nodded his head. “Good,” I continued, “I just want to request you to try and have a normal conversation for once. I do not want my friend to feel uncomfortable.”

And irritating as ever, Shuntoo smiled; one of those patronizing, insulting, You-don’t-know-shit smiles. “What the hell are you smiling at?”

“At your innocent, naïve request.” He said

“Meaning you cannot have a polite, logical, sane conversation with a human being?”

“Maybe, but if your friend is a normal human being, then I am sorry. Normal human beings are not capable of logical and sane conversations. That is why I avoid conversations with them in the first place.”

“How arrogant of you! Why would they not be capable of normal, sane conversations?”

“I don’t know. Probably because they’re stupid.”

“You are such a ………..” and as usual he did not let me complete my sentence.

“There, there bacchay! Ok listen. Human beings are dumb, stupid creatures, more concerned with proving that they are not dumb than actually doing something to get smarter. People are so busy in pretending to know everything that they don’t have any time to actually get to know something. Their personalities are so fake that most of them have themselves forgotten what they are. Their knowledge is shallow, their ideas borrowed, their philosophies plagiarized, their words mere sounds and when they get into a debate, it is not to increase their or the others’ knowledge, it is just to get the satisfaction that they were right. They would never correct their faults, they would prove that they don’t have any or die trying.”

“I think you better leave before my friend arrives then…”

“Ha! I just arrived. I am not leaving without a cup of coffee.”

And I, not for the first time in my life, regretted the day I first met this son of a bitch.

Shuntoo: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

I want to appreciate Shuntoo for his truthfulness but sometimes I am not sure if it is such a good idea to tell the truth, especially the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I want to blame him and curse him for such an attitude but sometimes I realize that he never tells it on his own. He only gives a dose of truth to those who ask for it. I want to exonerate him on this ground but sometimes I feel that the people who ask for it have absolutely no idea what they are asking for. So in the end I mostly decide to reserve my judgment until I can get at least a faint idea of what this son of a bitch is all about.

At a small gathering the other day, another innocent common man faced the wrath of Shuntoo’s inexplicably unreactive and straightforward attitude. This young man was giving his views about the current political crisis and, visibly impressed by Shuntoo’s nonchalance, was keen to get his reaction on thoughts that he considered original and ingenious.

When Shuntoo did not appear to even acknowledge the presence of the young man, and seemed too engrossed in studying the patterns smoke from his Marlboro was making in the air, the boy stopped and addressed him directly.

“What do you think?” He asked, desperate to get a positive reaction from Shuntoo.

“About what?” Shuntoo asked in the least interested manner ever observed in the history of the world.

“About my opinions?”

“Ha!” Shuntoo exclaimed. “What makes you believe I think about your opinions?”

“But weren’t you listening? I……”

“No, I wasn’t.” Shuntoo tried to end the conversation. But the young man was adamant at getting an opinion from him.

“But I just analyzed….”

“I don’t give a shit what you analyzed.” Shuntoo said in a calm voice not suited at all for such an indifferently rude comment.

“But why?”

“No reason. I guess I don’t like your face.”

“Wha….” The boy couldn’t believe what he had just heard. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my face.”

“Ha!” he said again. “Might be. I just think you look too dumb for any reasonable analysis of anything. I might be wrong, but that’s what I think.”

“Look mister, you cannot say …….”

“I don’t care about your views on what I can or cannot say. You look too dumb for me to take any of your views seriously.”

“You are the most unbelievably arrogant and …….”

“Sorry kakay. No use; I won’t take anything you say seriously.”

“But why?” the boy was now almost screaming.

“Your face kakay, your face.”

And he continued smoking as I felt my cheeks turn red.