Maut Ka Manzar: Marney ke baad kya hoga (the scene of death: what will happen after we die?) is, or at least was a couple of decades ago, perhaps one of the most widely read books in this country. Numerous other books, movies and theories exist that try to explain what happens after we die. Agreed, it is a tricky mystery and we might never get to know the truth until we die ourselves. What bothers me is the much more perplexing mystery about what happened before the deaths of countless number of people that were not ordinary citizens like you and I but people who really mattered. Would anyone be kind enough to tell me

1. Why was Jinnah in Ziarat, so far from any reasonable medical facility when according to sources, the doctors had said that altitude was not good for him? And why was his transfer to Karachi so grossly mismanaged?
2. Who the hell was behind Liaqat Ali Khan’s assassination? Why was the assassin who shot him immediately shot by the police? What in the world was a professional assassin, known to the police, doing there in the first place?
3. What happened to Zia-ul-Haq’s plane? If eyewitness accounts are to be believed, the plane started flying haphazardly and nosedived to the ground, why did the pilot not give any signal to the control tower that something was wrong?
4. Why are there still two separate versions of how Murtaza Bhutto was killed, one the official version and the other that of the PPP when clearly PPP was in the government at that time?
5. Why was the scene of the murder of Benazir Bhutto washed in such a hurry? And why does her husband keep claiming that he knows who killed her but does not tell?
6. Why was Osama Bin Laden’s body so hurriedly thrown in the sea without even taking a picture that would have proved that he had really died (or had actually existed)?
7. How did Mumtaz Qadri, whose credentials were far from satisfactory, a part of Salman Taseer’s security?
8. And finally, since Nusrat Bhutto was supposedly on a ventilator for a long time, who decided to switch it off now and why at this particular time? Do the scheduled protests by PML(N) and the jalsa by Imran Khan have anything to do with it?

So, we better stop theorizing about metaphysical realities, since we seem to be totally incapable of finding the truth even in this physical world. For the sake of truth, I hope that the deaths of our current leaders are clearer and easier for everyone to understand.

Ha Ha Ha Huh?

People have always been fond of a little conspiracy and a little imagination and it is amazing to see the kind of things they come up with. I am sure you have all heard stuff like
1. The US government planned and executed the 9/11 attacks itself.
2. No person called Osama Bin Laden ever existed.
3. Asif Ali Zardari had Benazir Bhutto killed.
4. The world is going to end in 2012.
5. Aliens from other planets have visited the Earth many times.
6. It is possible to turn lead into gold.
7. The CIA has future world maps in which Pakistan does not exist.
8. Dengue is the result of chemical warfare by the Jews and America.
9. Suicide bombers will be welcomed by numerous Hurs in paradise and all those who condemn them will rot in hell.
10. All elections in Pakistan and maybe the world are rigged by intelligence agencies.

I laugh like crazy when I think about the things people come up with, and I am scared shitless whenever I realize that I have absolutely no evidence to prove that any of these theories is not actually true. Huh?

Let’s celebrate

Don’t you think we have become the most hypocritical of people? I know that every nation has its weaknesses and faults but wouldn’t it be a nice idea to at least accept and learn to live with those faults rather than pretending to be goody-two-shoes? Just look at our national holidays, Pakistan Day (when our country is anything but ‘Pak’ now), Iqbal Day (when hardly anyone remembers Iqbal’s philosophy let alone follow it), Quaid-e-Azam Day (In a nation fraught with disunity, lack of faith and indiscipline), Independence Day (now that one sounds hilarious) and so on. How about we replace these holidays with new ones now? Or at least add some new ones to these since there is no doubt we are a nation that is overly fond of holidays. Here are some suggestions to choose from.
1. 18th June – Dependence Day – In memory of the first drone attack on Pakistani soil in 2004.

2. 16th May – Doctrine of Necessity Day – In memory of that landmark judgment in 1955 that legalized anything as long as it was backed by the soundest of rationales, i.e. military force.

3. 7th October – Army Day – In memory of that fateful first declaration of Martial Law in Pakistan by Sikandar Mirza, who interestingly, was not an army General himself.

4. 9th September – 10 Percent Day – To celebrate the beginning of the Presidency of our beloved leader.

5. 4th April – Democracy Day – To remember the hanging, in 1979, of the leader who according to his supporters is still alive and will suddenly start coming out of every house. Har ghar se niklay ga.

6. 17th September – Bhai Day – It’s the birthday of Altaf Bhai, is any further argument required?

7. 4th July – Defence Day – No its not just US independence, it is also the special day on which, in 1999, Mian Nawaz Sharif said sorry and agreed to withdraw troops from Kargil in order to defend his dignity and that of the nation.

8. 17th March – Sports Day – To ensure we do not forget how, in 2007, the Pakistan team miserably crashed out of the World Cup after just two matches, and lost the life of their coach and some pride.

9. 16th December – ½ Pakistan Day – Since we lost half of our country on this day in 1971.

10. 21st November – Science Day – This was the day in 1996 when Pakistan’s only Nobel laureate breathed his last in Oxford 22 years after leaving Pakistan after being declared a non-Muslim.

I don’t mind the fact that we have forgotten all that the ideology of Pakistan or Jinnah or Iqbal stood for. But I strongly suggest we start celebrating these days so that we don’t forget all this. If we cannot take pride and learn from our brilliant history, maybe we would be able to learn from our shameful history.

The black and white revolution

I see so many young boys and girls around who are just dying to do something for this country. Interestingly though, the idea of doing something for most of them revolves around starting a political, semi-political or quasi-political movement, bringing about a revolution, replacing the government with angels etc etc. I am not against any of this, in fact it is refreshing to see such great ideas and plans in our youth. But it is also depressing that there is such a dearth of other ideas.
In my humble opinion, nations are not built by governments, governments are built by nations. Revolutions are just the final act in a long play where thinkers, writers, poets, scientists, professionals, scholars, sportsmen, businessmen, artists and enlightened common people play major roles. Sadly, there is very little ambition around that targets excellence in these fields. Isn’t it sad to know that
1. The last time a Pakistani won a major squash competition was in 1997.
2. The last time Pakistan won a major hockey tournament was in 1994.
3. The last (and only) time a Pakistani won the Nobel Prize was in 1979.
4. The last time a Pakistani writer’s book sold a million copies was …. I don’t know if that ever happened.
5. The last time Pakistan reported a budget surplus was in 2001.
6. The last internationally admired Pakistani singer died in 1997.
The list goes on and on. Isn’t it time that we stopped trying to revolutionize something in which our total expertise depends on what we watch on Geo and read in the newspapers. Shouldn’t we stop trying to change the shades of grey and start concentrate on the black & white, the things that are clear, the things we can actually do. The only revolution we need is in the way we perceive our own specific roles in life. The only thing we can change is our own thinking. Maybe we just need to be the best in whatever we do and we won’t need any other revolution. Maybe we don’t need to come out on the roads, maybe we just need to go to work, not just go to offices and schools and colleges, but really go to work.


Maybe we have got so used to criticizing the government that we just do not even notice when an educated and patriotic voice points out something that is credible and important for our future. Let’s be clear on two things here. One, Pakistan is poor and overpopulated, maybe poor because of being overpopulated and we have already ignored this problem for too long. Two, Dr. Firdous Ashiq Awan is a true patriot with the love for her country at the bottom of her heart (obviously, by this logic, everything else in her heart must be above this feeling).

So, before discarding her acute observation, we should at least think seriously about the concerns she has been expressing for so long. As her name suggests (Firdous means paradise and Ashiq means lover or romantic, add to that her privilege of being a qualified doctor), she is an authority on science, romance and knows her bit about religion. So, imagine the fix the poor lady finds herself in with the government taking all the wrong decisions that could lead Pakistan to a huge population explosion.

 Being a doctor, she knows how the system of population growth works. So, obviously two weekly holidays are a threat. Yes yes I know, the people of this land are not very keen to work on non-holidays either, but at least the commute to and from the office takes some toll. Imagine what would happen if the few who do work during the week would also be fresh and full of energy twice every seven days.

Since population planning has been all but rejected by the thaikadars of our religion, any policy on that front is a simple no-no for Dr. Awan, but we should not forget that there are certain westernized ill-advised wanna-bes who do practice such Satanic rites, which is all the better since at least their population remains under control. But not anymore. With this ludicrous decision of closing all markets early, imagine the conundrum when no shop would be open around midnight….you can imagine the consequences now, can’t you?

 But all is not lost. These steps are aimed at saving electricity which, in turn, would put an end to loadshedding. Now that is bound to be good. Cos the lights suddenly going out at night cannot be good for population control either, eh Dr. Awan?


Three cheers for Karachi university

Now that the university of Karachi has conferred an honorary doctorate degree on Mr. Rehman Malik (Now Dr. Rehman Malik) for his “matchless services to the country in the war on terror and particularly in restoring peace to citizens of Karachi,” I suggest that the following people should also be immediately bestowed with such honorary degrees because after all, justice delayed is justice denied.

  1. Meera for her “matchless services to the English language in the war of errors and thus taking revenge from the goras who ruined our languages during their rule.”
  2. Amir Liaqat Hussain for his “matchless services to religion and particularly in exposing the gullibility of innocent Pakistanis.”
  3. Veena Malik for her “topless…I mean matchless services to….now what was his name….I keep forgetting…. in the war of the ……you get the point, don’t you!”
  4. Sahir Lodhi and his sister for their “matchless services to the country’s people in the war on common sense and particularly for restoring hope to all those who wanted to be on TV but thought their lack of talent wouldn’t allow them.”
  5. Muhammad Asif, Muhammad Amir and Salman Butt for their “services during the match to the fixers in the war on fair play and particularly for restoring Pakistan’s image as cheaters.”
  6. Firdous Ashiq Awan for her “matchless services to science in the war on intelligence and particularly for discovering the deep link between holidays and population growth.”
  7. Asif Ali Zardari for his “matchless services to himself in the war on Pakistanis and particularly for helping the people realize that whatever their condition, something worse is always possible.”
  8. Mian Nawaz Sharif for his “matchless services to Asif Ali Zardari in the war of confusion and particularly for setting the world record for most U turns in one term.”
  9. The top News channels for their “matchless services to the nation in the war on truth and particularly for breaking news and journalism with a single blow.”
  10. My mechanic for his “matchless services to me and particularly for restoring my car after an accident.”

If anyone at the Karachi University thinks that this piece is in bad taste, my answer is simple. “YOU STARTED IT.”

Excuse me but I cant understand how

  1. Loadshedding, which was the result of some irreversible bad policies of the previous government, is suddenly gone?
  2. A Chief Minister plans to counter a disease (dengue) by going from door to door explaining to the people what to do?
  3. The only railways company in a country, with no competition, no choice for the passenger but to travel by its trains, can run into losses worth billions of rupees?
  4. Indian culture and influence is bad but Indian movies and songs our favorite?
  5. Killing innocent people by suicide bombing is heinous and killing innocent people by drones heroic?
  6. Is it prudent to catch the most wanted man in the world, kill him and then throw his body in the ocean without even taking a photograph?
  7. A person who killed the Governor of a province be a hero for the people living in the same province, especially when these same people seem completely fine with letting the government of the party to which that governor belonged continue to rule?
  8. The deaths of Steve Jobs and Jagjit Singh are mourned more in this country than the deaths of its own innocent civilians and armed forces personnel at the hands of armies of the countries to which Jobs and Singh belonged?
  9. Alcohol, being banned, is easily available and staple food out of reach for so many?
  10. Hardly any member of a nation is ready stop at a traffic light and yet almost every one of them is prepared to bring a revolution to change the destiny of their country?



 Dear Team! You will be pleased to know that I have been really amused by your reports about the human race and the way they live on Earth. You will probably not so pleased to know that I think you did a truly crappy job as all your reports stank of arrogance. I sent you there to learn from the humans, not to point out their errors. And I have no idea whether you will be pleased or not to know that I have decided to order you to return at once.

I still believe in the human race whether you or the humans themselves agree with me or not. I still believe there must be something that you and they themselves have missed. But your vision, regardless of how many dimensions you can see, is limited, because your perspectives are flawed. So, instead of continuing to read your useless reports, I prefer to wait till this race realizes its potential. As for you, I have little hope. So come back!