GOOD & EVIL (8TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! These humans have the strangest value system. They appear to have concepts of good and evil but even after millions of years of evolutions and thousands of years of social living, they have still not agreed upon a universal set of values. Things considered good in one society are thought as unacceptably brutal in others and vice versa. I know you would want to label this a mere question of time and would think that maybe given enough time, they would eventually find a definition of good and evil that everyone agrees with but let us assure you dear Khhhtghhh, there is slim chance of that.

 When we said that humans have a strange value system, we were not exaggerating. Here is how we have seen it work. People here are much more concerned about appearing good to others than about actually being good. Hence, they concentrate all the time on pretending to be good and spend next to no time actually improving themselves. As you are well aware Khhhtghhh, personal improvement is slippery ground, and anyone who is not improving sooner or later starts deteriorating. That is exactly what seems to be happening to humans, only they think they are getting better because everyone else thinks so. Their standard of good and evil is the society, so if the society or the whole human race deteriorates, they have no way of noticing that.

 Funnily, people here try to communicate to others that they are good, by faking and pretending. Then, if enough other humans start believing that a person is good, that person despite being well aware of what he is, tends to start considering himself good too. And if a huge number of people start liking someone, that person even if he is the vilest of creatures, is considered great. As for the very few people who appear to understand all this and try to speak the truth, they are commonly ridiculed and persecuted.

 So, we would once again like to stress that you must relax Khhhtghhh. These people can hardly teach us much since they are not even willing to learn, and anyone who cannot learn can never ever teach. Also, they are no threat to us because they have not yet ceased to be a threat to each other. Till next report.

 

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GOD (7TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! We think that we may finally have found something interesting in this human race, after all. These people believe there is something they call God. He is supposed to be the Creator of the universe and everything in it, all-powerful, all-knowing, omnipotent, in short He is perfection. Though it is difficult to comprehend Him fully and we seriously doubt that these silly humans understand much about Him either, but it sure is a thought-provoking concept.

From what we have observed, we are still not sure if God, being perfection personified, created humans in His own image (as many of the humans believe) or if humans, being so imperfect and so lame, created God out of their own imagination (which some of the more learned humans believe). We are also, as yet, unclear about the relationship God has with humans. All humans who believe in this Entity either worship Him or at least believe that they should worship Him. They pray to Him, bow down before Him, and plead with Him. But observing their rituals has given us little clue to the intention behind all this. We have found so many varying situations that, for the moment, we are confused. Different people appear to be worshipping him

  1. out of greed because they believe God can give them more and more of everything, rid them of all their troubles and even grant them a perfect and eternal life; or
  2. out of fear since they think that God can cause harm to them and even throw them in a miserably eternal and eternally miserable life; or
  3. out of habit, since they have seen their elders do that and believe that it is good, though they do not have any idea what good comes of it; or
  4. out of social pressure since the society around them believes, for no apparent reason, that worshipping is good; or
  5. out of frustration, since no other option is available to them to improve their condition and they feel the need to hang on to any straw.

However, we have also seen some people, who look like they worship Him because they love Him and although there is a very small number of such people, these are the ones who have generated our interest in the concept. Also, of course there are the others who call themselves ‘atheists’ meaning those who do not believe in God. They are also pretty interesting and we cannot help wondering about how important God must be since those who do not believe in Him actually have a separate name.

So, we thought it would be nice to tell you however little we have learnt about this concept. We expect to learn more and will keep you posted. One last thing, a number of atheists believe that God does not exist because they cannot perceive Him with their five senses. Hilarious, isn’t it? By that logic, we don’t exist either, eh?

 

Dr. Amir Liaqat

What’s the big deal? So? A person who was considered a respectable religious scholar by many naïve individuals of our society has turned out to be not quite that. Let’s get the facts straight here.

  • Amir Liaqat Hussain started out on TV as the host of a show where the viewers asked questions through phone calls and scholars from the two major religious sects gave their respective answers.
  • The show and the idea behind it were liked by many and soon it became immensely popular.
  • Amir played the part of the host of a religious show to perfection (mostly overdoing it) and came to be known around the country (and the world?) as a scholar himself, though he never explicitly claimed to be one.
  • Suddenly a footage of Mr. Amir appeared on Youtube where he was shown to be using some indecent language, singing Indian songs and making fun of a couple of scholars that he was about to interview.

Now, can anyone doubt that

  • Amir was not aware that he was being recorded and especially that the video would one day be made public, so of course he was not in character?
  • Most of us sing such songs, make fun of so-called scholars and not a few of us use such (or even worse) language?
  • It was the viewers who turned this guy into a scholar, when he was just a performer and never claimed to be anything more?

So, what’s the big deal? Are Amir’s fans embarrassed that they liked this guy when he is just human? Are those who were extremely irritated by him rejoicing since they have been proved right? But above all, aren’t we all simply having a great time at the expense of a guy who has been exposed in the worst of manners? When will we start looking at ourselves, accepting our own faults, trying to improve our own characters and minding our own business? Did anyone learn anything from all this? Did anyone realize that maybe it is time we stopped making superhumans out of ordinary performers, maybe we have to stop labeling everyone as either an angel or the Devil? Did anyone understand that the world is populated by humans, who have the potential (and the freedom) to be as good or bad or whatever as they want and that perceiving someone as the answer to our hero-worshipping, idol-starved souls may not be that great an idea?

I might have taken all this too seriously, but I can’t help asking, WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

OWNERSHIP (6TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! Probably the most notable feature of the human race that we have seen yet is their uncontrollable desire for ownership. They are so obsessed with possessing and owning things that individual humans even claim ownership of pieces of land that this race lives on (the poor creatures cannot live in water or in the air and have to have their feet on the ground! Can you imagine?) They claim to own pieces of land which they then go on to give to others in return for something valuable (mostly money, the concept of money is still not totally clear to us, so we will explain that later).

Other than owning land and all kinds of other immovable stuff, these poor little beings also seem to own things that you would not be able to guess even if you let your imagination run wild. We are not suggesting that there is any problem with your intellect dear Khhhtghhh, it’s just that humans act in a manner too far below your intellect.

                  Just imagine

  1. Individual humans claim exclusive ownership to pieces of music or writing or paintings, in short they have a system where one person owns art.
  2. Large groups of humans own large pieces of land and call them countries. They have drawn imaginary lines on the landmass of the planet and have a different name for each country where only that group has the right to do more or less whatever they please.
  3. These large groups even claim to own the seas (where they cannot live) and the air above their so-called countries.

We believe that all this ownership crap has less to do with utilizing the commodity and more with excluding everyone else from using it. From what we have observed till now, this system leads to conflicts, stealing, fights (even wars between countries) and nothing but bad blood between humans. Most of the activity on this planet seems to be connected in one way or the other with either getting ownership of stuff that they don’t own or protecting ownership of the stuff they do own. We are yet to fathom what good all this confusion does and we are pretty sure that most of the wars, fights, disputes, conflicts and what-not are because of this. Yet, the humans seem to be totally oblivious of all this and continue to follow this system as if it were the best of things.

Once again dear Khhhtghhh, we stress that this situation where humans thought up this ownership thing, implemented it, saw its terrible results and now continue to ignore the obvious harms it causes, is yet another proof that we are not likely to learn much from this godforsaken species. Till next report.

 

ALIENS (5TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! We got your message and we want to stress again that we are in absolutely no danger of being noticed here. As we reported earlier, these humans have very limited visions and cannot see than three dimensions. Still, seeing your anxiety we have decided to elaborate a little further on the complete lack of imagination of this species. They do have a concept of life beyond their planet but we do not see any real chance of these people ever figuring out the whole thing. Not only do they suffer from a severe lack of imagination but what is really funny is that they believe the exact opposite and a large number of humans actually take pride in their imagination. It is hilarious!

To explain what we mean, here’s a little analysis of these people’s concept of life beyond Earth.

  1. They have a single name for any life form that might exist outside their planet. They call all of them collectively as “Aliens”.
  2. They only look for signs of such life on other planets. Their limited minds appear to be incapable of entertaining the possibility of life existing in stars or space.
  3. Their reach is limited to planets closest to Earth and for all the rest of the universe, they only rely on conjectures.
  4. Their search for aliens is limited to three-dimensional living beings, and they do not seem to believe that life other than the one they have might also exist.
  5. They are naïve enough to believe that any planet that does not have oxygen or water (two things that they themselves cannot survive without) would not have life either.
  6. Their concept of aliens is also too limited otherwise. They picture them as beings that look mostly like themselves, with eyes and arms and legs. The peak of their imagination ends at changing the color of aliens to green or increasing or decreasing the number of eyes etc. They also tend to picture aliens as much uglier beings than themselves.

We hope you are relaxed now. We feel that humans either suffer from innocence bordering on stupidity or arrogance bordering on stupidity. We are not sure yet if they are innocent or arrogant but we are pretty certain that they are stupid. Till next report.

 

COMMUNICATION (4TH REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! We mentioned in our first report the human beings’ serious shortcoming regarding the limitations of their senses. We would again like to stress that these pitiable creatures are confined to a three-dimensional world and even within those few dimensions they cannot see, hear or otherwise sense anything beyond a certain specific limit. Their plight is made worse by the fact that they seem to have no realization of how limited they are and we are yet to see any serious effort or even willingness by them to expand their knowledge and perception into the domain of other dimensions.

 In fact, we feel a little silly saying the above, since humans are actually much stupider than the above lines would have you believe. The cute people here are unimaginably obsessed by the three dimensions that they can perceive but not in any intelligent or constructive fashion. Their basic limitation, that is the fact that they can be at only one place at one time and have to cover long distances within their dimension to get from one place to the other appears to have made them crazy. Seriously Khhhtghhh, you cannot imagine how much fuss they make out of it. They are obsessed with creating devices that could take them from here to there faster. To the extent that they are even mad about machines that just take their image or even their voice across as quickly as possible. They have things called planes, trains, telephones, televisions, satellites and what not which are all just a means of travelling quickly and most of their world seems to revolve around these. They are overjoyed by creating something that helps them or their voice or picture move quickly (and they get unbelievably excited at creating something that moves both their picture and their voice).

Now Khhhtghhh, we know how compassionate you are and we can feel you getting ready to spring in the defense of these beings. But before you think of any such thing, let us elaborate that we are yet to see any productive use to which any of these primitive inventions have been put. People are always rushing even when they are aboard their automobiles and trying to get somewhere in hurry but we don’t see them involved in any profitable activity when they get there. Telephones and other devices of voice transfer are used mostly for chit-chat or other activities that mostly involve making money or exploiting other members of their race. The internet is being used mainly for social networking (without any apparent benefit) and watching porn (we’ll tell you later what porn is, and we bet you will laugh your Hoghhhhhtkkks off).

In short, these guys suck big time. In fact, we are seriously thinking that our people should attack this planet and take over, but before we give that any further thought and suggest it to you, we need to ensure that such an exercise would be of any use to us at all.

 

FOOD (3RD REPORT TO KHHHTGHHH)

Dear Khhhtghhh! You might think that we have developed some sort of bias against these humans, but believe us, that is not so. These creatures just seem to be too silly for our taste. Either that or they are too smart….. smart to a degree that we cannot even fathom. Here’s what we have learnt since our last report (and since it is extremely confusing, we have tried to divide it into points so that it may be easier for you to understand).

  1. Humans need to eat plants and animals in order to survive (everything they eat, they call food). And there are plenty of animals and plants on Earth, though the poor creatures can eat only a handful of the species, the rest are either poisonous for them or just impossible for them to consume.
  2. Humans grow such plants and animals in specific areas called farms.
  3. Now, the interesting thing is that not all humans grow or hunt this food. There are a few specific groups of individuals scattered all over the planet that seem to have been assigned this job. These people (called farmers) produce food for all the rest of the humans.
  4. Funnily, though one would assume that all these other humans who do not need to produce food but get it ready to eat from others, would have all the time in the world to relax and enjoy, still seem to be busy all the time. They are running around here and there with no time to spare and filling up papers with writing and doing who knows what. In fact, interestingly, the farmers who are taking care of the survival of the whole race have more free time than all the others.
  5. However, there are some people who seem to be benefitting immensely from this arrangement. Though few in number, these people do not do anything. They don’t grow food, they don’t run around and they don’t fill up papers. They just live idly, not doing anything and still get the food from others for free. What is hilarious is that people who do not grow food themselves give away that food to these idle good-for-nothing ones with a lot of pride (they call it charity or something) as if it were theirs. And they actually feel that by giving free food and thus encouraging the inaction of these parasites, they are doing something good.
  6. Now, you would assume that these farmers would be worshipped for what they do for the others, right? Wrong. They live in the worst of conditions and appear to be one of the poorest people. Now, how does this race manage to have these farmers keep feeding the whole planet while living in a state much worse than those they are feeding is still a mystery to us.

We haven’t spent much time here Khhhtghhh but as yet, we have gained nothing but more and more confusion. Humans, the best creation…… I mean really?